woah emotions!

So I just got done watching Grey's anatomy for the first time..well..first and second times. I just discovered ABC.com and how they have full episodes that you can watch online. Well, the episodes that I saw were probably last season's finale where there is this disasterous wreck with some Car Ferry and in this episode one of the intern's falls into water and drowns and becomes hypothermic. I realized today..watching these shows..that I cannot watch these shows. These hospital shows where people die. I mean, that's good ratings..but I was TOTALLY unprepared, now I knew that something was going to happen..but with as much suspense as they pack in these damn shows..it's like a car wreck..you just can't look away. Anyways, I was totally unprepared to relive a whole lot of very emotional memories of seeing a lot of family members who literally meant the world to me..either on their deathbed or in a coffin. Since 2001 I've lost my Mother(my number one fan), my aunt(my number two fan and family member I think I closest resembled personality-wise) in 2002 and my grandfather maybe 7-9 months ago. With the exception of my mother, my aunt died of heart disease related to chemotherapy and radiation treatments she recieved fighting off cancer of the lymph nodes and my Grandfather who lived through Skin and Lung cancer for 2 years and in the last 6 months of his life, Lung, skin and brain cancer. My mother died very suddenly, she was a heart patient. She had a cardiomyopathy with atrial fibulation..which is an enlarged heart with an irregular and(in some cases I think and/or) accelerated heart rate. She had a pacemaker put in 8 or 9 months before she died but in the end her heart just quit. She did not suffer. I am very very thankful for that looking back. But back to Grey's...seeing these people on their "deathbeds" on the TV shows struck a chord with REAL events that have come into my life. It was this well of emotions that just exploded. I was crying and sobbing uncontrollably remembering seeing these wonderful, intelligent and brave individuals in their last days living through torture. My grandfather died peacefully loaded up on morphine. Even though he did not suffer at the end..he endured such merciless agony that just made him hate life..the life that he so loved..life with the family that he so loved and was so proud of. In his home surrounded by the memories of raising his children, raising his grandchildren(my brother and I), Countless meals, his wife of over 50 years. He was always the caretaker, but it was us that took care of him. My Aunt Laura(Aunt Lolly), not being able to take a full breathe for a year before she died because that which saved her from cancer so many years before, created scar tissue around her heart and created a leathery shell that finally got to the point where it was constricting the very beating of her heart. She was such an advocate of the arts, free thinking, women's rights, gay rights, freedom of expression and thinking outside the box. She was sassy and sarcastic. She loved teaching and people. She too loved life..but a year after she got her teaching certificate and was a full time substitute teacher in an inner city Kindergarden..that life was extinguished. My mother..SOO proud of her sons. So happy, so beautiful and full of energy. She was always the life of the party. She held our little family unit together. She made everything just a little bit better. She was a good mom who always believed that her sons could accomplish anything they set their minds to and goddammit..that's what we were going to do whether we like it or not. She was at every single concert, every basketball game, every football game, every track meet cheering her fool head off..even if she didn't know precisely what she was cheering for. She would have loved every one of my freinds. She would have loved seeing how far I've come as a musician..and as a person. But she probably already knew what potential I had..and what I was going to become..who knows.

I wonder what I will think of these emotions tomorrow..or the day after. So many times I ball up these emotions and bury them because their "inconvenient" and "unproductive." But that is my way to cope and deal. I usually don't get waves of longing or nostalgia..every once in a while I just get a fucking sucker punch to the face. So I guess it evens itself out. I do as much crying in about 2 hours as someone might do in a week going through similar circumstances.

"Geez Kyle, why are you pouring your heart out on the internet? Aren't you afraid of what someone might put in the Enquirer?" No..no I'm not. I am thankful for the random occurences in which I am able to feel...raw and uncontrolled emotions safely. The last time this happened was in 2001..Artificial Intelligence came out in Movie theatres. Most people hated the ending cause it was boring and obviously added on..but I thought the ending was the most moving part..cause he got what everyone who has lost a significant person in their life wants. Just one more day. The little boy gets ONE more day with his mother who had passed away..and literally..I was bawling in the back parking lot with my freind Roxanne..who also was bawling with me bless her heart. She lost her Father to cancer many years before, but still was able to relate qutie strongly with me at the moment. So...can you tell that no story with me is short?

So I hope some random person catches this blog...and feels emotions for people that they love..and could potentially loose...people that they know they will loose soon and people that they've lost. Remember what good and wonderful people they are or were.

That is all.