I'm lonely. I'm soo incredibly lonely for some reason. I have absolutely no reason to be..I've been dating..meeting incredible guys...guys that are WAY too hot to be comming after me lol. I've been really emotional lately. just...I dont' know. I want to be in love again. I want to feel loved and attractive again. I want to feel excited by doing nothing but watching movies and snuggling with someone. I think I've gotten physical cravings out of my system..and now I want to start to develop the emotional connection with someone. I want to feel wanted...needed...sexy...... Sometimes our minds are our worst enemies. We can conjure up the most amazing dreams and flights of fancy...and the most horribly dreadful nightmares. We can look at ourselves in the mirror and believe that we're happy with various things about ourselves..and a breathe later, we think that it's a good idea to list off all of the things we hate about ourselves.
I crave to hold and be held.
I long for butterfly kisses and holding hands.
I wanna buy flowers for someone to brighten their day..
I miss making plans and looking forward to special days...
I miss waking up next to someone in the middle of the night.
I miss spending all day in bed snuggling and pillow talking.
When I get in these moods..I feel so worthless. Like there's nothing in particular that's really good about me. Like definately things that are average..things that you could find on anyone that has many more endearing and attractive characteristics. No one is going to stop themselves in their tracks to look at me cause I'm so damn hot. Why would someone want me?
It's funny cause I have absolutely NO reason to feel that way right now..looking at my life objectively..there are no real concrete reasons...no extrinsically negative things...no one is telling me that they "Just aren't attracted to me" or "you're a great guy but....you just aren't what I'm looking for." Which..if someone tells me that..they might as well call me the swamp thing hebeast from the blue lagoon.
To be fair..I have told a lot of people that I'm not looking for a relationship..which is true. I just dont' think that I am mentally equipped at the moment to be fair for the other person. But on the other hand..I miss it soo much.
I was in a relationship with Pete for so long..and I loved him sooo much. Still do really...but we have a lot to work on before we can attempt to think about being back "together." We have to make sure that we are who we want to be with..not the "we" that keeps putting ourselves aside to apease each other. Not that it happened the whole relationship..but definately felt like it was becomming too commonplace towards the end.
This song used to make me think of me a lot when I heard it while I was in High school.
"I am everything you want, I am everything you need.
I am everything inside of you that you wished you could be.
I say all the right things at exactly the right time, but I mean nothing
to you and I don't know why..."
~Vertical Horizon.
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