lol...you know you're gay when..

ok....so I need a backstory for this crazy emotional experience.

So, when my mom died I went through a very angry and depressed part of my life for about a year-ish. Little over a year. I really prayed for closure. That I knew that I had no control over my loss and I just really wanted to be ok with it..at least to be able to live with it from day to day. Then one day, I had this dream. I was walking out of the front of some high school scene(I was a junior in high school when I lost my mom), it was a large older styled brick building with a stone staircase(not my high school). My mother was standing at the foot of it and I went up and talked to her. We said some things of personal value to each other and then she hugged me. At which point, she turned to sand and drifted away in the wind. I woke up at that point, crying my fool head off but feeling an utter sense of relief. It was that point that I was able to come to grips with my mother's death and to be ok with it.

So, I'm over at Ryan's apartment. It's Mickey, Jamal, Ryan, Stevell and I sitting around watching the Golden Girls, and it's all about Blanche's late husband..and how he had faked his death and whatnot and how she had always had dreams about him being alive but would always wake up just before she got to hug him. Well the whole episode(sorry to ruin it) turned out to be a dream and she was able to hug him.

That episode was WAY too real for me. I sat on the couch...I started to feel my chest swell up...and I walked out of the room. Barely able to keep my composure till I got to Ryan's room at which I broke down into the hardest racking tears I'd had in a while. Ryan eventually came in to see why I had been gone for so long and I was still just in pieces. It took me a little while to regain my composer.

So, even after 7 years my missing her still affects me and can apparently be triggered at any time.

But why the hell do I have to be the "I get emotional over the Golden Girls" kinda gay? :-P

Will work for Food...

so..yeah. Life is pretty crazy at the moment. I am done with classes in like 3 weeks..done with classes forever...well until I go to grad school. I've been putting in job applications and sweating bullets. The Wharton Center(www.whartoncenter.com) authorized me to keep working full time through to the summer if I need it..but that's only like 20 hours a week at..well..I won't even mention what dismal compensation I get for..chatting...checking my e-mail..laughing at personal ads, watching TV shows online, looking for plane tickets to various parts of the world, Ebaying, Eating, doing homework..oh..and selling tickets. ooh..and blogging too..but I never blog consistently so I guess that doesn't really count.

Other than classes and work..nothing terribly new except a new boyfreind. His name is Ryan, he's awesome..so far everyone loves him including the hillsdale crowd..he has yet to meet the Flint crowd..but I'm sure that won't be a problem. He's a drag performer..which I never EVER thought I would ever date a drag queen, but I am and it's HELLA fun. His freinds have taken quite a liking to me as well from what I gather.

Busting ass to get my recital stuff together for the 24th of January...

Then..who knows. Anyone want a live in houseboy? I play purdy music!

wow...just...wow

So..yeah. I found out that over the weekend my father hit someone on a bike while driving..and fled the scene. I don't know the details of the victim nor how badly they were injured..if at all. I'm going to assume that there was some injury because you can't get hit by a car and everything just be fine...and if there was anything serious I'm sure I would have heard about all of the details thus far. So..yeah...he had apparently warrants out for various possession charges including cocaine...my grandmother was told that there was drugs and drug paraphranalia(sp?) throughout the vehicle. I'm sure it was just pot and a few pipes...I'm hoping anyway..anything more serious and that's way no bueno. so apparently he is supposed to be arraigned today..at what time I don't know. I have no clue as to what sentencing might be...everything online says jail time if there is serious bodily injury, impairment or Death..but nothing for minor injuries...assuming that it's minor injuries. Of all the crappy things my dad is capable of..I can't see him leaving someone who is seriously injured on the side of the road. I've been surprised before..but I just can't help but think there is at least that much good and common sense in him.

So my dad's in jail...the major problem for me..is that my dad had aggreed to help me out this semester because I had so little bit in FInancial aid left because of the purchase of my Flute last Spring. So..I am really hoping that the stars will align in such a way that I will not have to drop out this semester and finish next fall(cause the last music class that I need is only offered this semester.....).

So I would greatly appreciate any prayers you could send my families way.

Learning experiences

I rode the bus home yesterday and while eavesdropping on the bus driver talking to another rider that she knew pretty well..(there wasn't really a choice..he was sitting next to me and she was yelling from the drivers seat).

She has two kids..one of them is a boy. He's had a troubled childhood lately. Been moved around schools a lot..one cause he was in a lansing ghetto school..then he went to a catholic school..got severely bullied and picked on a lot at both..and now is in a school of choice and apparently doing very well.

She is finishing up a history degree and only has a few classes left.

Her mother is a professor at a community college and her father is a general practicioner.

Bus drivers in lansing can elect to take unpaid time off during the summer and she went on a road trip with her kids to see the grand canyon.

That was interesting to me. I would have not thought that this lady(I'd say she's between 27-32) that I've seen a few times..and admittedly..wrote her off as a bitch on one occaision...was so damn interesting. I mean..that's a lot of information to eavesdrop/learn about someone in maybe a 10 minute bus ride. But she did not talk at an eccelerated speed..nor did she completely bogard the conversation with the rider next to me.

Things that make you go hmmm...

Freinds just gotta hug!

I just want to say that I absolutely cherish my freinds from the bottom of my soul.

I went down to Concord with the ABC group as Janna calls us, and totally got everything that I absolutely needed. Great belly laughs, giggling fits, hugs, massages, GREAT food and great stories. These people are truly my...everything. They're my freinds, my guides, my angels, my demons(lol), my family..they pick me up when I fall, they polish me up and make me new. They remind me that I am precious and valuable and irreplaceable just as each of them are to me. They feel life as I do, they feel... Our hearts and souls vibrate sympathetically and create such wonderful harmonies(even if the chords resolve improperly :-P).

Thank you ABC group. Even though you may not know about the turmoil in my heart and my feelings of worthlessness...you many not give me everything I want but you give me everything I need to be me..to the fullest extent of my ability.

oh the joys of being gay!

These are the times that I wish I were straight..honestly. I get kinda bitter towards the gay population..myself included. It's such a fucking meat market.

"You meet the man of your dreams..and I'm meeting his beautiful wife..."

Sing it Alanis you emotional canadian songstress.

I guess I'm tired of always being put on the back burner...every guy I meet has all of these little things on the side. "you're a GREAT GUY!" "You have SUCH a cool personality!" Yeah yeah yeah..but I'm not pretty. If I were pretty..I'm fairly convinced I could take over the world..but I'm not so here I sit. I didn't walk out of a magazine photo shoot..no one walks by me and says "DAYUM! I want him to fuck the hell out of me!" Which..I'm moderately ok with. I don't want someone to just be interested in me for the way that I look..but I can't help feeling that everyone that I meet thinks.."Oh he's cool, but...Sphen..is cool AND he's hot maybe I can start something with HIM."

And ya know what I hate just as much? is that I'm totally guilty of that too..putting others on the back burner so that I can try..and subsequently fail on trying to rope in..well we'll just call him "The highest bidder." Hell..I'm kinda doing that right now. I'm not ok with it regardless of who is doing it to whom...but I especially don't like it when it's done to me. I know I don't have any fascinations of being with guys or having things that I know I can't have or deserve..as if someone could really "Deserve" someone else I guess...that's a whole other rant. I also can't fight the feeling that, when guys that I spend time with..just in general, with no one person in specific..send out all of these signals like..kissing..snuggling...fooling around..what have you and then they aren't interested in actually dating me, like it was wasted time(longest run-on sentence ever! lol). Like..umm..don't do that if you don't want to date me..cause I pretty much know whether or not I want to date a person within the first few hours of knowing them. If I've got my tongue in your mouth..you're pretty much great in my book. Why can't others be like this? Don't try to seduce me if that's all you want. But who am I really to blame? The guy for being attracted to me for a moment..or myself for not putting on the brakes? I'm naive I guess..still attach certain emotional expectations on intimacy. I guess I'm attractive enough to sleep with at least..... Always look at the silver lining right?

I don't know..I've been very unsettled as of late. Tired of people(lol mostly guys) going in and out of my life..wanting a few individuals to stick around..but seeing as how there has already been a level of intimacy established previous to the "Freind" thing...that may not be possible with some of them. We'll see...

That's my rant..kinda hypocritical I know...just felt like bitching. Send a "HAAAAYYY" if you're feelin me on this one.

Yay start of classes!

I am soooo friggin tired! Classes....suck! Started with concert band rehearsal at 8 am...not thrilled at ALL about it. Plus I HATE the conductor. He is a condescending pompus prick... Then to Russian, which was cool. it's like 24 people squeezed into a tiny ass room. But quite a few cute guys..and the teacher seems to be very nice and her accent is amazing. Orchestration was boring...Dr. Newman unfortunately can get on rants that always seem to make me fall asleep. He's cool as hell most the time..but ugg. So I'm sitting at work..bored as hell..trying desperately to stay awake. Totally going home and napping. Anyone wanna come snuggle with me?